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queenluaIngredients:
Chop up that green pepper, those mini onions, and those carrots. Are you supposed to peel the weird brown skin off those mini onions? Dude that sounds like a fucking pain, just chop them. (Conveniently most of the brown skin seems to fall away as you chop anyway. Double-win!) Also the carrots are a fucking bitch to chop and your knife sucks; swear a lot to lessen the suffering. Also, chop up the chicken breast. Holy damn chicken breast is some oily shit, give up and grab some goddamn giant scissors to chop that shit up with. Wash your hands off because they feel icky. Oh shit, wasn't I supposed to rinse those vegetables before chopping them? I think I remember hearing you were supposed to do that. OH WELL IT PROBABLY WON'T KILL ME AMIRITE
Measure out 3/4 a red solo cup of water and 3/4 a red solo cup of minute rice. (They have actual instructions on the box involving cups, but you have zero measuring implements, so RED SOLO CUPS IT IS.) Dump the water in one of the tall pan things and bring it to a boil. When you see the water starting to steam, peer intently at the water and wonder how the hell you're supposed to know it's boiling. Like, it doesn't seem to be doing much yet, but that's a whole hell of a lot of steam; oh no what if it all evaporates before it ever boils?! Google "how to tell if water is boiling" until you hear the water boiling VERY LOUDLY, okay that's good, dump the rice in. Remove that shit from the heat and forget about it for a bit.
Scramble yourself a motherfucking egg. (You know how to do this because you are a true bachelorette and that's what you've been eating for dinner for the past week, because that's approx. all you know how to do.) Set it aside. Theoretically you're supposed to slice this up but have you ever tried slicing up scrambled eggs it's really annoying. Give up and just mash it up with your hands a bit.
Throw your chicken in the pan. Aw shit there's like so much chicken. Chop up more carrots and onions until there appears to be vegetable-meat parity. When the chicken looks roughly cooked, dump all your vegetables in, cook for a bit. Damn this looks dry though. Dump soy sauce in until everything looks kinda brown.
Attempt to spoon some teriyaki sauce on. Wtf the bottle's jammed or something I just bought this what. Beat the shit out of the bottle until, in one giant gush, it spills ALL the fucking teriyaki sauce on your dish oshit too much sauce. Dump more soy sauce on to compensate. Then apply cajun seasoning until delicious.
Wait you forgot to chop up the tomatoes. Damnit. Oh well guess you'll just make salsa later or something.
Holy shit this dish makes SO MUCH. I cannot eat all this. Why did I make this much. I was too excited about chopping things and now I have to deal with it. Beg your roommates to eat some. I don't care if you just ate dinner you want stir fry okay.
At least it's some tasty shit. Like, you should Instagram or Facebook or Tumblr that shit to brag about your superior food. Except fuck, you don't have a camera or a smartphone, so no pictures for you, damn this sucks. Eat until full. Look around kitchen.
Holy shit the kitchen looks like the blast radius of a disaster. Drink three cups wine, or until slightly soused, then proceed to clean.
- that green pepper you got at the farmer's market earlier this week
- a bunch of those mini-onion things you also got at the farmer's market because they looked cute (seriously never saw mini-onions before then they're like fun size)
- two tomatoes. wait why did you buy tomatoes you don't even like tomatoes that much OH WELL
- minute rice (holy shit, did you know they make rice that cooks in a minute?! goddamn this will be some delicious shit this was such a revelation)
- chicken breast
- soy sauce
- teriyaki sauce
- that giant-ass jar of cajun seasoning that you use on literally everything ever because everything is better with cajun spiciness
- two eggs
- oh shit you have like a bunch of green onions that are probably going bad in the fridge better throw those in
- baby carrots, swiped from a nearby college dining hall, because you forgot to actually buy them
Chop up that green pepper, those mini onions, and those carrots. Are you supposed to peel the weird brown skin off those mini onions? Dude that sounds like a fucking pain, just chop them. (Conveniently most of the brown skin seems to fall away as you chop anyway. Double-win!) Also the carrots are a fucking bitch to chop and your knife sucks; swear a lot to lessen the suffering. Also, chop up the chicken breast. Holy damn chicken breast is some oily shit, give up and grab some goddamn giant scissors to chop that shit up with. Wash your hands off because they feel icky. Oh shit, wasn't I supposed to rinse those vegetables before chopping them? I think I remember hearing you were supposed to do that. OH WELL IT PROBABLY WON'T KILL ME AMIRITE
Measure out 3/4 a red solo cup of water and 3/4 a red solo cup of minute rice. (They have actual instructions on the box involving cups, but you have zero measuring implements, so RED SOLO CUPS IT IS.) Dump the water in one of the tall pan things and bring it to a boil. When you see the water starting to steam, peer intently at the water and wonder how the hell you're supposed to know it's boiling. Like, it doesn't seem to be doing much yet, but that's a whole hell of a lot of steam; oh no what if it all evaporates before it ever boils?! Google "how to tell if water is boiling" until you hear the water boiling VERY LOUDLY, okay that's good, dump the rice in. Remove that shit from the heat and forget about it for a bit.
Scramble yourself a motherfucking egg. (You know how to do this because you are a true bachelorette and that's what you've been eating for dinner for the past week, because that's approx. all you know how to do.) Set it aside. Theoretically you're supposed to slice this up but have you ever tried slicing up scrambled eggs it's really annoying. Give up and just mash it up with your hands a bit.
Throw your chicken in the pan. Aw shit there's like so much chicken. Chop up more carrots and onions until there appears to be vegetable-meat parity. When the chicken looks roughly cooked, dump all your vegetables in, cook for a bit. Damn this looks dry though. Dump soy sauce in until everything looks kinda brown.
Attempt to spoon some teriyaki sauce on. Wtf the bottle's jammed or something I just bought this what. Beat the shit out of the bottle until, in one giant gush, it spills ALL the fucking teriyaki sauce on your dish oshit too much sauce. Dump more soy sauce on to compensate. Then apply cajun seasoning until delicious.
Wait you forgot to chop up the tomatoes. Damnit. Oh well guess you'll just make salsa later or something.
Holy shit this dish makes SO MUCH. I cannot eat all this. Why did I make this much. I was too excited about chopping things and now I have to deal with it. Beg your roommates to eat some. I don't care if you just ate dinner you want stir fry okay.
At least it's some tasty shit. Like, you should Instagram or Facebook or Tumblr that shit to brag about your superior food. Except fuck, you don't have a camera or a smartphone, so no pictures for you, damn this sucks. Eat until full. Look around kitchen.
Holy shit the kitchen looks like the blast radius of a disaster. Drink three cups wine, or until slightly soused, then proceed to clean.
no subject
Date: 2013-09-29 07:06 am (UTC)Make me dinner one day.no subject
Date: 2013-10-01 03:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-09-30 01:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-01 03:06 am (UTC)once you have minute rice you need no other rice in your life
it is rice mixed with magic clearly there can be no contenders
no subject
Date: 2013-09-30 04:11 pm (UTC)Tangentially, I've tried out a bunch of the recipes on this site: http://www.cookingcomically.com/ and they're all pretty damn good.
no subject
Date: 2013-10-01 03:05 am (UTC)