Lost in Lualand

My alarm went off two hours earlier than usual today. I'd had the kind of bad sleep you do when you know you'll need to get up early: it took me longer to fall asleep in the first place and I woke up repeatedly, convinced at one point that I'd definitely slept too late until I looked at the clock and saw it was 4:30am.

I was starting work early so I could be interviewed for BBC Radio Leeds. It went really well, thanks I think to a journalist I'd spoken to a couple weeks ago. I had a really nice conversation. And then a quiet morning with a big cup of coffee while I gently got myself up to dealing with meetings and emails.

My mood and mental state have been low all weekend, and I'm really struggling with sleep again. And eating.

Oddly, in a total inverse of the past...oh, year or more, it seemed like I was feeling least bad during work hours. Walking Teddy now kinda marks the end of my work day, and it's a really nice little ritual that sometimes gives me time to file away the work day and think about what's ahead. But today, I didn't feel the usual relief at finishing work, but more... overwhelmed maybe. Everything feels like so much at the moment: watching the effects I'm seeing around me from ICE, Gaza, the Epstein files, UK politics thanks to the by-election we're living amidst, politics in sports from the Olympics to Bad Bunny...

All my podcasts are being boring and/or not updating, they're all conspiring to make me actually read my book-club book even though i don't wanna -- it's The Day the World Came to Town, about the multiple airliners' worth of passengers that descended on a small Newfoundland town on 9/11 when the U.S. closed its air space. I'm still at the beginning and just stressed out hearing about people in Europe getting on these transatlantic flights, the normal day the air traffic controller thought he was going to have... The book is leaving me both agitated and bored at the same time somehow.

I screwed up a plan to get nice takeout as a treat tonight, I couldn't help do this week's Tesco order as had been the plan for this evening, and I could only sit through half of Sinners, my favorite movie from all of last year, before I had to go lie in the dark. But that was hours ago; I can't sleep.