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motherfucking conditioner
so i pretty much loathe showering.
this is not a "i am depressed and thus can't be bothered to keep up appearances" thing; i have pretty much always found showering really damn annoying except in cases where i am extraordinarily hot and sweaty and gross (read: at summer camp).
i'm not a gross person irl, so i do shower regularly, i just regard it as a Really Irritating Chore rather than the ~*~haven of bliss and loveliness and solitude~*~ so many people seem to think it is. (my brother went through a phase in high school where he showered three times a day. i was utterly bamboozled.)
mostly it's just all the extra around the shower i detest—i have long and thick hair, so it takes forever to dry. thus i get three options: (1), i lounge around the house with a towel around my stupid neck for hours until it dries (or just sleep with it wet, the most frequent option). (2), i get out the hair dryer / aggressively towel dry, except active drying can only ever do like 80% of the job, so you still have to wait around if you actually wanted to style it or anything, and also you wasted all that annoying time standing up and blasting your hair from every direction, blah blah blah. or (3), just go out with wet hair anyway, and accept that your hair will be a damp mess all the morning, a frizzy disaster by midday, and around 3pm, maybe you can rake a brush through it to make it not look like total shit. (this is the option i fall back on when i get lazy and procrastinate and don't do a shower at night when i'm supposed to).
anyway, tonight, after procrastinating forever because i was reading a really good book damnit, i finally get up to shower, and this time i get the bright idea of trying a new thing!!! . you see, my hair's looked like shit lately, and so when i went to the hair stylist last week i asked why, and she said "your hair is incredibly dry," and i said AW FUCK THAT'S PROBABLY THE ACCUTANE ISN'T IT, and i felt like a total dope for not figuring it out before. but, for the record, i still have only the haziest idea of the difference between "dry" and "not-dry" hair, other than "one sure tangles and frizzes a lot more"; she could tell it by touch alone and just, how, what wizardry.
anyway, the stylist recommended some conditioner to me, which i regarded with suspicion because my mom was a total dragon about conditioner growing up. it was like, okay if you start smoking tobacco or something i'll be upset but we'll get past it, but GOD FORBID you use any of that CONDITIONER or DETANGLER shit from any of those COMMERCIALS, NOT IN THIS HOUSEHOLD. (i suspect she had some traumatic incident in her past with poisonous conditioner or something. there is no other possible explanation for that level of enmity.)
"won't that make my hair really oily?" i asked.
the stylist rolled her eyes. "that's the point. your hair is too dry. try it."
so i bought some fancy overpriced conditioner straight from the salon, because she recommended it, and i was feeling spendy, and, y'know, fuck it, sometimes i imagine i can do fancy sparkly feminine things too. (ahaha. sob.)
so i finally start my shower this evening, at Way Too Late O' Clock, do the shampoo, think "alright now's time for the conditioner," except, like an idiot, i left my conditioner in the bedroom. so i have to hop out of the shower, throw on a towel, dash down the hall dodging housemates, grab the stupid expensive-ass container, rush back in to the shower, only to realize—
fuck. i've never used conditioner before in my life. how does this shit work?!?!
surely there's instructions, i think, and survey the label. it has some fancy French name. and a French tagline. and... oh my God, the whole fucking thing was in French.
i start swearing loudly in the shower, as the hot water is slowly staring to run out, because what the fuck, how much is too much, does it work like shampoo, is there some ritual i need to do? in a blind gamble, i start peeling the label off, and—oh thank God—the reverse side has instructions in English!
except, five seconds later, oh, fuck you too, God. because the instructions say: apply to shampooed, towel-dried hair. wait 3 to 5 minutes. rinse thoroughly.
i already hate drying my hair. and you want me to do it twice in one evening?!?!
i decide maybe i can get away with only sorta-complying. i drag a towel into the shower, sorta-halfheartedly towel-dry my hair, and then grab the conditioner. i'll let it sit while i shave, and then i'll rinse just like i normally would getting out of a shower.
i open the container. it's like... a tub-like thing. i peel back the instruction label because, oh yeah, how much of this are you supposed to use?
of course, it gives literally no guidance on that front.
so i sorta eyeball/gutfeel it, and man, i haven't even bothered looking up the "correct" way i was supposed to do this because it'll just depress me too much, i think i wound up using a bit more than i would shampoo ordinarily, which, by the time i started rinsing it out, felt like horrifyingly too much. my whole fucking head felt like one giant wobbly rubber snake. ahhh what the fuck too much moisture TOO MUCH MOISTURE.
somewhere in the distance i can hear my mother's dragon roar. "I TOLD YOU CONDITIONER JUST MAKES YOUR HAIR OILY AND LIMP AND UGLYYYYY"
"ohfuckohfuckohfuck" i mutter to myself, as the water is definitely cold now and i am totally doomed (nevermind that i work a software job, with the sort of people who wouldn't notice if i came into the office with an extra head and tentacles for arms; some things are about self-respect, damnit), so i rinse my hair out as long as seems even remotely effective and scramble for the hair dyer. because i heard drying your hair with your head upside-down totally gives your hair volume! i am still not entirely sure what "volume" is but maybe it's like the opposite of shitty overconditioned stringy hair?!?! or at least helps out with it????
anyway. now i am sitting on my bed with 80% dry hair and it's probably going to turn into a disaster and goddamn did i mention that i fucking hate showering.
please share your hair fuckup stories at will to make me feel less lame
this is not a "i am depressed and thus can't be bothered to keep up appearances" thing; i have pretty much always found showering really damn annoying except in cases where i am extraordinarily hot and sweaty and gross (read: at summer camp).
i'm not a gross person irl, so i do shower regularly, i just regard it as a Really Irritating Chore rather than the ~*~haven of bliss and loveliness and solitude~*~ so many people seem to think it is. (my brother went through a phase in high school where he showered three times a day. i was utterly bamboozled.)
mostly it's just all the extra around the shower i detest—i have long and thick hair, so it takes forever to dry. thus i get three options: (1), i lounge around the house with a towel around my stupid neck for hours until it dries (or just sleep with it wet, the most frequent option). (2), i get out the hair dryer / aggressively towel dry, except active drying can only ever do like 80% of the job, so you still have to wait around if you actually wanted to style it or anything, and also you wasted all that annoying time standing up and blasting your hair from every direction, blah blah blah. or (3), just go out with wet hair anyway, and accept that your hair will be a damp mess all the morning, a frizzy disaster by midday, and around 3pm, maybe you can rake a brush through it to make it not look like total shit. (this is the option i fall back on when i get lazy and procrastinate and don't do a shower at night when i'm supposed to).
anyway, tonight, after procrastinating forever because i was reading a really good book damnit, i finally get up to shower, and this time i get the bright idea of trying a new thing!!! . you see, my hair's looked like shit lately, and so when i went to the hair stylist last week i asked why, and she said "your hair is incredibly dry," and i said AW FUCK THAT'S PROBABLY THE ACCUTANE ISN'T IT, and i felt like a total dope for not figuring it out before. but, for the record, i still have only the haziest idea of the difference between "dry" and "not-dry" hair, other than "one sure tangles and frizzes a lot more"; she could tell it by touch alone and just, how, what wizardry.
anyway, the stylist recommended some conditioner to me, which i regarded with suspicion because my mom was a total dragon about conditioner growing up. it was like, okay if you start smoking tobacco or something i'll be upset but we'll get past it, but GOD FORBID you use any of that CONDITIONER or DETANGLER shit from any of those COMMERCIALS, NOT IN THIS HOUSEHOLD. (i suspect she had some traumatic incident in her past with poisonous conditioner or something. there is no other possible explanation for that level of enmity.)
"won't that make my hair really oily?" i asked.
the stylist rolled her eyes. "that's the point. your hair is too dry. try it."
so i bought some fancy overpriced conditioner straight from the salon, because she recommended it, and i was feeling spendy, and, y'know, fuck it, sometimes i imagine i can do fancy sparkly feminine things too. (ahaha. sob.)
so i finally start my shower this evening, at Way Too Late O' Clock, do the shampoo, think "alright now's time for the conditioner," except, like an idiot, i left my conditioner in the bedroom. so i have to hop out of the shower, throw on a towel, dash down the hall dodging housemates, grab the stupid expensive-ass container, rush back in to the shower, only to realize—
fuck. i've never used conditioner before in my life. how does this shit work?!?!
surely there's instructions, i think, and survey the label. it has some fancy French name. and a French tagline. and... oh my God, the whole fucking thing was in French.
i start swearing loudly in the shower, as the hot water is slowly staring to run out, because what the fuck, how much is too much, does it work like shampoo, is there some ritual i need to do? in a blind gamble, i start peeling the label off, and—oh thank God—the reverse side has instructions in English!
except, five seconds later, oh, fuck you too, God. because the instructions say: apply to shampooed, towel-dried hair. wait 3 to 5 minutes. rinse thoroughly.
i already hate drying my hair. and you want me to do it twice in one evening?!?!
i decide maybe i can get away with only sorta-complying. i drag a towel into the shower, sorta-halfheartedly towel-dry my hair, and then grab the conditioner. i'll let it sit while i shave, and then i'll rinse just like i normally would getting out of a shower.
i open the container. it's like... a tub-like thing. i peel back the instruction label because, oh yeah, how much of this are you supposed to use?
of course, it gives literally no guidance on that front.
so i sorta eyeball/gutfeel it, and man, i haven't even bothered looking up the "correct" way i was supposed to do this because it'll just depress me too much, i think i wound up using a bit more than i would shampoo ordinarily, which, by the time i started rinsing it out, felt like horrifyingly too much. my whole fucking head felt like one giant wobbly rubber snake. ahhh what the fuck too much moisture TOO MUCH MOISTURE.
somewhere in the distance i can hear my mother's dragon roar. "I TOLD YOU CONDITIONER JUST MAKES YOUR HAIR OILY AND LIMP AND UGLYYYYY"
"ohfuckohfuckohfuck" i mutter to myself, as the water is definitely cold now and i am totally doomed (nevermind that i work a software job, with the sort of people who wouldn't notice if i came into the office with an extra head and tentacles for arms; some things are about self-respect, damnit), so i rinse my hair out as long as seems even remotely effective and scramble for the hair dyer. because i heard drying your hair with your head upside-down totally gives your hair volume! i am still not entirely sure what "volume" is but maybe it's like the opposite of shitty overconditioned stringy hair?!?! or at least helps out with it????
anyway. now i am sitting on my bed with 80% dry hair and it's probably going to turn into a disaster and goddamn did i mention that i fucking hate showering.
please share your hair fuckup stories at will to make me feel less lame
no subject
anyway yeah thanks for the rundown; now i'm all inspired to try some of this stuff out lol
no subject